Welcome to my other blog. I started this one shortly after graduating from the C.I.A, to differentiate between my food and my other thoughts. It's a cozy little place with frequent weird but real, honest thoughts.

There's really not much more to say here, as anything mildly interesting is either down below or written in my Armadillo section above.
Hope you can relate to some of my thoughts and situations, even if they tend to be strange sometimes

Sunday, October 11, 2015

30

I have never been normal my entire life. 

I don't think for one second I have ever FELT normal. The constant, low grade anxiety can easily swell into heightened stress without warning.  I can't help getting overwhelmed, stressed or upset or anxious over things normal people wouldn't get bothered by.  

 People incorrectly assume I have full control over this. Like I actually do this on purpose. I don't think most people really get what having a Sensory Processing Disorder is like. When you're a kid it's more forgivable. When an adult does it, it's just 'crazy' or 'weird'. Weird I can deal with.
    I have been aware of these quirks about me for as long as I've known myself.  I remember watching Rudolph at a very young age thinking "Yes! That's exactly how I feel" I don't fit. But there isn't an island of misfits where I'd fit. 



I've always felt like the one puzzle piece that got wet, and now doesn't fit in quite right to the rest of the picture. 

Now I'm 30. No closer to being normal, or functional. I can't parallel park or be counted on to fold AND put away my laundry. I leave things out and cabinets open.
Basic social interaction is complicated and difficult through my own fault. I don't have friends I see. I don't enjoy going out. Or being up late. I say the wrong things at the wrong times.

I don't know how people do it. How do adults make plans and go out all day and all night. Go here and there and just do normal adult things. Where did they learn this. How did I miss the memo?

Where does adulthood really begin? Is it really all downhill from here? Or are things just getting started because adulthood is in full swing.  I don't know how these adults became adults. They all seem to have orderly lives of jobs, chores, responsibilities.  Their lives seem ordinary and tidy. I still feel like a teenager still figuring it out. Or I just haven't figured it out how to pretend to act like I figured it out. I'm a bad liar. Hence the aforementioned "wrong things at wrong times". 


Guess it's time to put away the laundry, close the cabinet door, stop leaving things out and start flossing.