Welcome to my other blog. I started this one shortly after graduating from the C.I.A, to differentiate between my food and my other thoughts. It's a cozy little place with frequent weird but real, honest thoughts.

There's really not much more to say here, as anything mildly interesting is either down below or written in my Armadillo section above.
Hope you can relate to some of my thoughts and situations, even if they tend to be strange sometimes

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Simply Living

You know what's kinda weird? Realizing you aren't very ambitious.

I hate to play the NF card again, but when you grow up struggling with everything from holding a pencil to speaking to math skills to basic social interaction, you'll take what you can get. I'm so used to struggling and having a difficult time that when things are "Easy" I think I'm doing it wrong.

My idea of a good day in the three years of middle school was going through unnoticed, unbullied, unscathed. When my last and only friend abandoned me to fend for myself in the constant blood thirsty battle of tween dome, I was alone and crushed. I was glad to not say a word all day, to pass through the halls ignored, find a quiet classroom to eat lunch, because not a soul would let you sit at their table. It was better than every one, every single person leering at you, baiting you, taunting you, pulling your hair, staring at you, talking about you.

In the 5th grade, I found out about the Culinary Institute of America. And, even better, they had a baking program. I was ready to go now. But even then, I had no idea what I wanted to do once I got there. I was ten. I had eight years to figure it out. I boasted excitedly that I knew exactly where I wanted to go to college. I'm sure my older siblings held an annoyance that I picked my college destination .
And yet, when I got there, I only knew what I did not want to do. Fancy things, production cakes, things that required good hand skills. I loved school, I was exposed to so much food and techiniques and I am forever grateful for my time there. Met my husband, which was pretty unexpected.

But I'm not the kind of person to set up shop, own a business and be in the spotlight. No, I'm just genuinely happy working, keeping busy and making a decent living

I just don't care. I don't like late nights out, expensive shit I don't really need, or bling or anything else people equate with "success". Growing up, I never really thought I'd do much with my life. I was so painfully socially awkward, and struggled so hard with basic learning skills. I just wanted to get through the day, the week, the year. All the hard moments of life that would lead me to my better one. My real life. This life. A life with a job, a husband, a car. It's not glamorous, or exciting or big.

Maybe my priorities shifted after we got married. But I honestly never pictured anything for my future.
I was so used to living quietly I didn't  don't want those things. I don't know what it's like to have friends since kindergarten, and I deeply resent those girls in the very same classes I was in who do. I don't know what it's like to have friends at all. I really don't know if I could have friends now; social interaction makes me so uneasy I don't know if I could deal with it. Even wacky situations and misunderstandings on tv sitcoms make me anxious. No joke. 

Anyway......I just want simple things. A wee bit of travel, a wee bit of excess. Ambition for me is meeting my very first niece for her 1st birthday. It's maybe going back to Disneyworld before we have kids. It's paying off student loans and car loans and losing that extra 10 pounds.  I want to buy my husband the most expensive Lego set I possibly can.

My life may not be as big as yours. I may not make as much money, or travel, or make Hipster Foodie pretentious meals. I may not visit  Farmer's Markets, or go to New York for plays. I may not have an expensive car. I don't own my own business nor have much intention to.

But my life is full and rich. I have a husband I love who loves me in spite of my weirdness. I have family I love. I enjoy my job. I enjoy that I can save my money now so I can pay for the things in life I'd like. I'm happy and less stressed out. Being at peace and living well is sometimes the most ambitious thing to hope for.

So who's to say who has the better life?