Welcome to my other blog. I started this one shortly after graduating from the C.I.A, to differentiate between my food and my other thoughts. It's a cozy little place with frequent weird but real, honest thoughts.

There's really not much more to say here, as anything mildly interesting is either down below or written in my Armadillo section above.
Hope you can relate to some of my thoughts and situations, even if they tend to be strange sometimes

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Breast Cancer Awareness Month...Just kidding, it's a birthday/NF post.

So I've gained a little weight since starting my new job.
Oh. Right. I got a new job(!). It's actually really been awesome.

I changed jobs very suddenly in late August. I still can't believe I had the balls to jump ship and start a new job in a new town with new people and new experiences.

But if I have to be honest, the ship; or at least my mental ship, was sinking quickly.  I knew I did NOT have another school year in me at my former job. We were right in town, a brief walk from the many schools.

Kids tore up the town, spreading rudeness and general chaos everywhere. Not just "Oh, they're just kids!" behavor.  I mean jumping off the roofs, laying in the street, jumping on tables outside, starting fights, littering, silly string, mouthing off to business owners terror. These kids were, and excuse my language: complete SHITS. I'd call them worse, but I'm in such a better place now I don't need to swear like I used to.

And I just didn't have it in me. I was tired. I felt old. I was just so worn down. I went on a different form of anti-depressants to try and shake out of this fog. I was cranky and unmotivated. I realized I was only staying for my two bosses and my regulars. I realized I needed to get out.

Anyway, I'm in a much better place now. I really like those I work with. The music is just...insanely good. The place is covered with albums, artwork and photos of the Greats. The people who made music great.

I've been there for a wee bit over a month. I'm slowly trying a bit of everything so I can recommend things. But in reality I've been eating a lot. And as I near my 28th birthday, I realized I have very few, if any years left where I can not "quite" finish a whole can of pringles. Where I can nibble on 6 Mac 'n' Cheese bites and then try the pulled pork. Cookies, pies, hearty dinners at home are going to start to take their toll.

But I'm really not the kind of girl that does "moderation" very well (re:whole can of Pringles). Some things, like greasy fried foods I can moderate. Cookies and candy, not so much. Three tootsie rolls turns into 6, which turns into 9....But I can justify this by saying this isn't an every day thing so....I try to pretend it isn't an issue....but it totally is.
I'm also getting at that age where I need to take my health and fitness seriously.
Justifying this is easy: Eat in moderation, enjoy the bad food you love (in moderation)and go to the gym. Problem solved. Right!? I hope.

Another year older is still so strange to me. In my posts about turning 25 I was worried about when NF is going to get me. And with every year older I think about it more and more. What's going to happen?
As I've said in previous posts, this is what is going to probably kill me. It wont be old age. It's going to be this. Some sort of complication. I don't know when, I don't know how, but it will. I think I've always known this. One of those things like "It's gonna happen sooner or later" Because....well...it is. My NF is so mild, it's going to progress sooner or later. I haven't really allowed the thought to really fully absorb into my mind. I make it stop at the resigned acknowledgement. I don't think past how I'll feel when it does happen. When a tumor does grow, when the pain kicks in, if bumps start to appear.

I can't allow myself to think that far. This is why I get so bent out of shape when there's so much attention given to things like Breast Cancer (any cancer, really) and Autism and diabetes. I'm certainly not saying they aren't important. They are very important. So are many other things that no one knows about.
But Neurofibromatosis is just something I'm only now allowing my mind to fully think about. What's going to happen? I never had to think about it like this before. It was so "far away". As a kid, I rarely gave it a thought unless it was a particularly challenging day. MRIs, doctor prodding, failing tests and difficultly fitting in usually made me think about what I had, and my spots, but my mind couldn't get around The Future.
But here it is. I'm almost 30. I'm married. I'm thinking about getting pregnant in a few years. My adulthood is here. NF is something I really need to put thought into. 
My sister is running the NYC Marathon for the Children's Tumor Foundation  and I'm really excited and rooting for her! She's working really hard to train and it's so wonderful that she's running it for a foundation. It's truly a great thing she is doing for the foundation I've known about my whole life. So much family and friends have donated to her run. I know it's going to be fantastic.

But to be frank, it made me slightly uncomfortable at first. As you all well know, NF was NEVER something I'd EVER openly discuss. Even now, it's hard and weird.  I'm a very private person when it comes to NF. I'm not embarrassed about it, it was just something I didn't talk about. I didn't want to make an excuse out of it.  I remember reading the blurb she wrote and thinking "I'm pretty sure eating what I wanted for breakfast is an even trade for all the stuff I dealt with". I never thought about it from my siblings perspective..... I was the youngest and was a little more than a handful.  They probably thought I was a little babied and the tiniest bit spoiled. But in MY 6 year old perspective,sitting naked on a table while 5 or 6 doctors poked and prodded and looked at you was way worse.  The thought of it makes me blush to this day. It's hard to admit that even happened. It's truly no wonder why I hated discussing it as a child and even now. It just brings back memories of humiliation and discomfort. 

Unfortunately, I'm much older now and have to be an adult. I need to face this and take care of myself. I'm under Matt's health insurance now and I really should get an MRI. But I really, really, really hated my Neurodoc. And by really hate, I mean Loathe. But I need to step up and find someone who will actually listen this time. Who doesn't respond (with a laugh)"Well maybe your pony tail is too tight" when I tell her about headaches. Stupid bitch.

ANYWAY. I try not to worry too much anyway. Because there's really very little I can do. Other than taking care of my body, there's no way to prevent the progression of NF. I can't eat vegan, or lift weights, or run ten miles a day. I just gotta take care of myself and hope for the best. 
There are hundreds of thousand of people who deal with these unpreventable things every day. Much worse than my own problems. So who am I to worry and whine, really? 

This is kind of another downer post. So here's a kitten dressed like Link.