Welcome to my other blog. I started this one shortly after graduating from the C.I.A, to differentiate between my food and my other thoughts. It's a cozy little place with frequent weird but real, honest thoughts.

There's really not much more to say here, as anything mildly interesting is either down below or written in my Armadillo section above.
Hope you can relate to some of my thoughts and situations, even if they tend to be strange sometimes

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Look Me In The Eye

I picked up a book today, "Look Me In the Eye" by John Elder Robison, and it's gotten me thinking.

The book is a memoir about Asperger's. I began to read the first few pages, before hopping on his blog to talk to him
(Which to me, talking to a well known/well read blogger is just as good as talking to a celebrity. No, it's better). I just wanted to talk to him, and the people who read his blog. Because I felt like getting something off my mind.

So here is a section of my post, used without permission, though I'm sure it is still somewhat my property?:
"...I don't know if I have Aspergers. Sometimes I feel like I do, but I don't fit the general tendencies, but sometimes I wonder.
I have NF1, and I suppose that's what has lead to such social....ineptness. But it's funny. I feel like I don't have enough NF to fit in with the NF crowed, or Aspergers-y enough to fit in with that crowed (is that offensive? If it is I am sorry) So where am I? "

I feel like this all the time. I don't fit. I don't fit in anywhere. My NF is so mild (But thankfully so), that I don't fit in their world of surgeries. I'm not society's definition of Normal. Nor did I appear to have the symptoms of Asperger's growing up, as far as I know.

So what? Where am I?

I had this conversation with Matt. We were at a red light, and I was thinking about the book.

"Do you think I have Asperger's?"

"No...I don't think so."

I said the above that I don't fit. And where did I fit? "I'm Jenni." I said.

"Be your own trailblazer" He challenged.

"And what? I'm the only one of me that I know of."

I feel like I'm in Limbo. I'm so weird and deeply awkward and strange, but no label. I kind of want the label. Just so I know what I have so I can deal with it properly.

I sometimes think I'm emotionally scarred. Extern comes to mind when I think of that. Three socially bad situations presented themselves to me over those months, in quick succession

1) Extern BLEW. I mean, come back from work at 1pm and cry till whenever I fell asleep after 8 pm sort of blow. Where I either had no appetite or ate way too much. Tortured. I picked up my sailor's mouth from there. Sometimes I still randomly yell expletives like "****ing people!" or "****ing bakery!" Like my co-workers once did. A favorite motto there was "Work. Die." I swear way too much because of that place.

2) I had a sort of boyfriend, and it didn't end great for reasons too weird and complicated to discuss here. But it's probably not what you think. It was devastating.

3) A friend, or, a girl I thought was a friend, stabbed me unexplainably and for reasons I do not remember or understand. Or ever will understand She would prank call me at all hours, leaving cruel messages and e-mail me terrible things. For weeks.

I can't actually believe I'm opening up to a bunch of people I don't know like this. See how easy it is on a blog? I can't even look my boyfriend in the eye when I tell him this. I can't really look anyone in the eye. Except him.

But for me, I think it's different than with people with Asperger's. For me it's a mix of shame and wondering what they think of me: "Do they think I'm ugly? Do they think I look funny?...... I'm talking too fast, STOP TALKING SO FAST!!!!!!!!! Do they think you're stupid. God, what you just said was stupid. Are they looking at how ugly you are?"

I don't know what's gonna happen when I post this. But I'm going to post it, because I feel like if I don't get out of my head, I will go out of my mind.