Welcome to my other blog. I started this one shortly after graduating from the C.I.A, to differentiate between my food and my other thoughts. It's a cozy little place with frequent weird but real, honest thoughts.

There's really not much more to say here, as anything mildly interesting is either down below or written in my Armadillo section above.
Hope you can relate to some of my thoughts and situations, even if they tend to be strange sometimes

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Logical thinking and mild cop-outs

Well, I'm not sure how to begin or talk about this post. It would be incredibly arrogant and egotistical of me to assume that the people who have my cover letter and resume would bother to look at my food blog, let alone this one, but I know better. It would happen that the one time you talk about a job or an employer that they'd find out. And I'm pretty sure the school has some sort of "Let's not be negative about any potential employer or anyone in the food industry...EVER!!!" policy. ...they kind of look down on that.
So I'll have to tread lightly on this one.

I'm thinking about jobs and such. My mother is pressuring me to get a job in some bakery somewhere. But I'm a stubborn person, and just a little bit difficult. I refuse to succumb to her suggestion and do what I want to do. (Which my mother has ended many arguments with a very guilt ridden "WELL! You always do what YOU want to do ANYWAY!"- What's so bad about being determined to do what you want to do?) I have my reasons: 1) My brother will need a car for extern- whenever that happens. 2) My mother needs the car sometimes, which she should take anyway 3) Gas prices are INSANE!! Insane. So if I can save a car and half my paycheck going into gas every week, why not? 4) My hands are horrible. I can't make things look very nice, and I'm getting a little frustrated over the fact that my mother doesn't understand how difficult it is for me to ice, pipe, cut and decorate. So my confidence in that area isn't there. I can make things taste good and make them great, but that last important stage is something I lack.

Anyway, I don't want to work in a bakery in Stamford, or Bridgeport, or Greenwich, or anywhere else my sister or mother can find. I just don't. I want somewhere in biking or walking distance. Is that really too much for them to understand?

There's this Church secretary job that pays $15/hr, and even with taxes taken out it would still probably be more than most anything else I can find. I'd be lucky to get anything over $10 anywhere else. It's part time, and would open up potential babysitting jobs, providing extra income. This isn't the rest of my life. Just a temporary job. I wish they would understand that.

If I end up working at the part time baking job, that's great, but this would be good too. I want something part time, in town, and pays well. This is it. This is just a part time job. Not the rest of my life. How many c0llege grads do exactly what their degree dictates the first 6 months out of college anyway? Not many, that's for sure. This part time job would be great while I work on my food writing stuff. I'm going to send out more things this week and hopefully things will start to happen. Until then, a job as a Church Secretary, or a part time baker, will do just fine.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Nothing Much

It's such a nice day out, but all I'm really planning on doing today is going for a walk. I don't know what else to say, really. I feel quiet. Maybe I'm just a little tired. Maybe I'm just getting a little weary of my daily life. I don't want to jinx it, but I really hope I get the part time job at the ice cream store/cafe in town. It'd be so great, but I'm so nervous about calling. They said they'd call this week, but to me, Ms. Prompt and Anal means Monday afternoon, so I'm nervous. What do I even say? "Hi, this is Jennifer Robinson, I spoke to you about the part-time job and was wondering if you still wanted me to come in?" Geeze. How lame...I'll figure it out.

I can always take the job as a Church secretary, answering phones part time for 15/hr. That could work. I don't know if it's still even open. I just know I need to save up and get out of this house for a bit. I've been here a month and I have yet to find a job. I've sent out four packets of cover letters, articles and resumes last Saturday, which I'm not really expecting to hear back from because it's too soon...but I'll send more out, lots more. I need some form of a job in walking/biking distance. That I cannot stress enough. Biking would free a car up and get me in shape for summer. Gas prices are going to be awful, so I'm expecting to bike to anywhere less than four miles away, but lucky for me, everything I could need is in that range: libraries, food stores, CVS, town. Biking is good for you anyway.

Anyway, I hope it works out. Being here makes me guilty over everything. From sitting in my room reading to drinking milk. Seriously. It would be great to get a job and contribute groceries. I already clean daily and cook when I'm able to. I think helping out a bit more will be a good thing and make me feel less than some kind of sponge.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Cars, Gas prices, Guilt and The House of Repression

I don't think I ask for much. At home, I go for long walks, read most of the day, keep my room more or less picked up and I clean. I clean the kitchen every day. I'd like to cook more, but I haven't done that for a bit and hopefully will be doing more of it soon. I pretty much keep to my self, out of trouble and do everything I can to help. I think that's better than most people in their 20's living at home and out of college (except I hope I'll have a job soon, and that'll help as well)

So I feel like I do everything and ask for nothing. Does anyone have any idea why that is? Because I do everything and ask for nothing. I don't use the car much. Guilt of taking the car from my mom, who actually needs it, as well as horrible gas prices, keeps me from getting stuff done; grocery shopping, errands, returning books to the library. Sometimes people use the car who really don't need to do it. Make your own coffee. My mother shouldn't have to not have a car because someone wants to buy overpriced, crappy coffee. But you didn't hear that from me. I need the car maybe once a week and when I plan on cooking, but I'm going to try and plan meals out better and bike for stuff I need. So let my mother have the car. I don't need it and I'd rather have the person who needs it the most and who actually owns it use it. As for gas prices, when I go out I try to at least put back a few gallons, which makes me feel less like a sponge.

I feel so guilty for using the car. I feel like I shouldn't be using it. Ever. And I can't ever say that, to anyone, or anything else that may be viewed as negative or what I like to call "telling it like it is", which tends to get me into trouble (Oh well!). I can't express my feelings or my self in this house because it's always met with teasing, fights or "I AM NOT REFEREEING!!!" It's not fair. Sometimes I think I'm going crazy here....I repress all my feelings because god forbid I express any anger. God forbid I DEFEND myself or "talk back" And people wonder why I have such a hard time expressing how I feel.....

This is going to be an honest blog....lucky for me no one really reads what I write. But what else can I do? I can't express myself anywhere else. No one listens, and I have so much trouble verbalizing because I'm alway shot down. So I'm driven to come here, in my head, in my fingertips to say everything I've always thought but never said out loud.

So, sorry if it sounds angry, or aggressive or harsh, but if people just let me express my feelings like a normal person without being told I "go over the line" or "I'm not refereeing", maybe it wouldn't sound so harsh and aggressive if you gave me a chance when my thoughts were "normal" and "reasonable".

But this is what I think, this is how I feel, and I shouldn't have to apologize for feeling the way I feel after I've been silenced for too long.

I assume no responsibility for any emotional anger expressed here. If I was "allowed" to be expressive and "defend" myself, maybe I wouldn't be so emotionally screwed up. Just maybe.

PS. Just to let everyone know, my family really isn't all that bad...I just get frustrated sometimes. It's aggravating to know you can't really express how I feel sometimes, and it has to get to that point where things just blurt out...only to get slammed after. It's not fair. I feel like I'm the only one who this is being done to and it's just awful to feel like no one is listening or cares about how things really are around here, or to express how you feel about something going on. It is fixable....if everyone stopped being so quick to anger and so close-minded and exasperated when I open my mouth...... I just can't suppress how I feel. It's so unhealthy and it makes me absolutely miserable.


So, here I am, another blog. I realized how important it is to have a food blog separate from a normal blog. Now I won't feel guilty about it or confuse potential employers.

This will be great! Hope to blog soon!