So, it's graduation time. Most people look back on this fondly. Graduation parties with high school friends. But every year I remember this one time at a certain girl's graduation party. We were sitting at a table and her year book was open. Two boys from another school were flipping through it.
They, oblivious to me, happened to stop right at my page and made comments about how ugly I was. My face, my nose, my teeth. And this girl (and me, and every one else) said nothing.
I don't know what I regret more. Being there to hear it, or not saying anything. I unfortunately resent these girls to this day. They were no friends of mine. It was ten years ago and it still stings as much as it did. I am angry at myself for not saying anything. I was silent because I assumed that someone would say something. I was too stunned and hurt and angry to stick up for myself or make my presence known. I still know this girl's name. I'll never forget this girl. I'll never forget that hurt: it crops up in my mind around this time of year and stuns me. And I'm 17 again. Awkward and weird and shy. A mess and not nearly as comfortable in my skin as I am now.
I don't think I ever shared this with anyone. The girl I had gone to the party with turned out to be the ultimate, most manipulate mean girl. She had the kindness to express similar thoughts of ugly to me as well in our falling out. But that's another story.
With this experience, I have a hard time believing that high school is hard for "Everyone". The pretty, popular, smart girls had it easy. Don't try and tell me it wasn't. Shame on you for treating others the way you did. Shame on me for putting up with it.
The past is so very much in the past. But it's so hard to forget. You can forgive the girl too much of a whimp to say anything to those boys. But you can't stop that sting. It confirmed every thought about my looks I've had since I learned looks were important. These guys were just as gawky and awkward as I was. And I loathed them. I'm furious at my 17 year old self. 29 year old me would never put up with that shit. I'm not even sure 21 year old me would. I thought I was comfortable in my own skin up to that moment. I was getting used to myself and growing up. Being weird and odd. And I thought I didn't care. But then two stupid teenage boys make fun of you, and it's gone. Why do we do that to ourselves?
Anyway, it was on my mind today. Just putting it out there. Just don't let others dull your sparkle, capeesh?