Sometimes in the morning, my first dense, foggy thought in the morning is worrying if Matt will die that day. I know it's insane, irrational and slightly obsessive. But I just expect these things to happen to me. I think how I'd go on without him. But I wouldn't ever be able to. So I worry and think the worst situation, so when it happens, I wont be surprised. And I don't just mean any time soon, I mean in general. We all die someday. The thought of that, of any one I love or am close to dying is devastating to me. Loosing parents or siblings or any family member at any age is devastating and sometimes I don't think I have it in me to get through it.
Which makes me wonder what would happen when I have a child. I think that love would rip me apart. And I'm not even talking about something bad happening to them. I mean just loving them would break me.
I know I'm going to be the soft parent. My wee one will be reading in bed and beg for 5 more minutes. I'd give in without a second thought; because the joy of reading late into the night and falling asleep reading is a feeling I want my kid to have. She'd ask to share an ice cream cone (vanilla soft serve, sprinkles, of course) and we'd be sitting on a bench sharing a cone immediately, even if we were eating dinner soon.
Of course, I say all this now. Ask me again when I have a kid and he's running around the house, covered in chocolate pudding, glitter and Cheerios. And screaming. Or when he's doing that in public. Or when it's a sullen annoying teenager. But you don't really think of those moments when a 6 month old waves at you with big bright eyes. Or when a little tiny baby yawns. We must be hard wired to love teeny, tiny things. I wont even allow myself to think much about real problems my kid may have. NF, other disorders or disabilities, food allergies, terrible accidents. It's just too much.
I know I don't want kids right this second. I don't know when I want kids. It's one of those "
I'm not sure how to end this post, so here is a photo of a kid.