No amount of make-up, sleep, or expensive eye cream can correct it. It makes me terribly unphotogenic. And yeah, it makes me look tired.
And explaining why that is to a stranger or even someone I work with or regulars is difficult, awkward and totally unnecessary
I also resent when older customers tease me about thinking I feel "old". Yes, I am almost 29, and yes, I feel old.
You kind of tend to feel old when you've had more MRIs by age 12 than most people do in their entire life time. You feel old when you've been poked and prodded and have had your naked to semi-naked body looked at more times than a steak, pork, or hooker.
You feel old when you know NF is going to kill you. You feel old when you know it's going to get worse, not better. You feel old when you worry how it will turn on your future kids. You just....feel worn out.
So no, I don't feel old because "the 90's was 20 years ago" or "I know how to use a card catalog". I sincerely did not think I'd make it this far. I didn't think I'd be turning 29 with a husband. Seriously thinking about getting pregnant. Thinking about our dream house and having a career. My doctors as a child sure as hell didn't think I'd be capable of getting this far.
Combine that with former terrible bosses, middle-of-the-night shifts, school struggles, betrayed friendships and a bullied childhood and you get me. Worn out, weary of others and tired of everything.
A customer today commented "Yeah, because you're so old!" when I said "I used to be optimistic". I did used to be optimistic! I used to be more naive than I am now. More sunny and cheerful. If you were me on my externship and experienced the nastiness, bullying, deep loneliness, betrayal, heartbreak and sheer cruelty of that time in my life, you might understand why I feel bitter, old and tired.
I never really gave much thought to religion growing up.
It's sort of funny how religion never actually occurred to me until it was shoved into my face and down my throat at catholic girls' school. Then I realized. Catholics are crazy.
My mom's family was raised Catholic. So finding out Catholics were actually this level of crazy surprised me. I never made the connection til I hit high school and met the Crazy People.
My mom's family is big and loud and kind and big hearted. Gatherings have no less than 5 pounds of food per person. They are all good, hard working, excellent people and I am very lucky to be apart of the family.
When I was a kid, I thought all families were this big and this loud. I thought all Thanksgivings contained 40 people. When a classmate only had one uncle or no uncles I thought how weird and quiet that must be. No cousins to hang out and torture!? I still can't imagine that. I was actually a little disappointed when I found out Matt only had two siblings. I wanted my kids to have what I had. A dozen uncles, loud holidays and lots of food. But then I realized they'd have a dozen great Great-Uncles and great Great- Aunts and a few dozen cousins besides. (great cousins? Second cousins? How does that work?) So I think my kids will be okay. They'll be loved like crazy by about a hundred people. It has to be said again that I really do feel lucky to have such a large web of family. It is a blessing to have so many people around.
Back to the Crazy Catholics.
So I was surprised when I met the Crazy Catholics. At least, the snobby, rich, entitled girls with their Kate Spade bags, Coach Wallets and other fancy things a teenager probably shouldn't own.
If I didn't see 78% of these girls again, I'd be okay with it. Sorry, but I think most people in high school feel that way, I just have the guts to say it. Also I really don't think any of them actually care or even remember who the hell I am.
On a final note. Being married is awesome.
I don't have much more to say about it, because that's all that needs to be said. It is awesome to have a companion, if you will. It's great to be glad to see someone when they come home. To make weekend plans to watch six episodes of Doctor Who and make pizza.
And also, I thought this post was a bummer so I wanted to leave it on an awesome note.