Welcome to my other blog. I started this one shortly after graduating from the C.I.A, to differentiate between my food and my other thoughts. It's a cozy little place with frequent weird but real, honest thoughts.

There's really not much more to say here, as anything mildly interesting is either down below or written in my Armadillo section above.
Hope you can relate to some of my thoughts and situations, even if they tend to be strange sometimes

Thursday, May 29, 2014

Teeny Tiny Babies

I get the baby itch at work sometimes. A lot of parents come in with their kids in tow. Some a few weeks old, others about 3. The ones under a year grin and wave if you even glance their way. The 3 year olds do excited little jigs when they get to have a cookie. The two year olds run and explore and rearrange the chips....and say "Hi!!" to everyone. The week olds bleat like baby goats. The newborns generally sleep and mew. They all make my heart simultaneously contract and melt.  If these wee little babies were related to me in any way, I'd pick them up and never put them down. Is that normal? Don't answer that. These parents must think I am insane; because I always give the kids a little extra attention, and I always make a tiny fuss over the "regular" kids who I call "my buddies".

Sometimes in the morning, my first dense, foggy thought in the morning is worrying if Matt will die that day. I know it's insane, irrational and slightly obsessive.  But I just expect these things to happen to me. I think how I'd go on without him. But I wouldn't ever be able to. So I worry and think the worst situation, so when it happens, I wont be surprised. And I don't just mean any time soon, I mean in general. We all die someday. The thought of that, of any one I love or am close to dying is devastating to me. Loosing parents or siblings or any family member at any age is devastating and sometimes I don't think I have it in me to get through it.

Which makes me wonder what would happen when I have a child.  I think that love would rip me apart. And I'm not even talking about something bad happening to them. I mean just loving them would break me.
I know I'm going to be the soft parent. My wee one will be reading in bed and beg for 5 more minutes. I'd give in without a second thought; because the joy of reading late into the night and falling asleep reading is a feeling I want my kid to have. She'd ask to share an ice cream cone (vanilla soft serve, sprinkles, of course) and we'd be sitting on a bench sharing a cone immediately, even if we were eating dinner soon.

Of course, I say all this now. Ask me again when I have a kid and he's running around the house, covered in chocolate pudding, glitter and Cheerios. And screaming. Or when he's doing that in public. Or when it's a sullen annoying teenager. But you don't really think of those moments when a 6 month old waves at you with big bright eyes. Or when a little tiny baby yawns. We must be hard wired to love teeny, tiny things.  I wont even allow myself to think much about real problems my kid may have. NF, other disorders or disabilities, food allergies, terrible accidents. It's just too much.

I know I don't want kids right this second. I don't know when I want kids. It's one of those "sooner or later" things. One of those "I can't wait!!" but "I totally can wait" sort of things. I know a lot of people my age already know they do not want kids period. Which works for them, you know? It's like, I don't like avacados, but I'm not gonna spend my time making you not enjoy them.

I'm not sure how to end this post, so here is a photo of a kid.


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