I had the sometimes down feeling that would last for a few days, it would go away and I'd be fine again. It was normal. But as I got older, those feelings intensified. If I was sad I was completely buried in it. If I was mad I was furious. But that was only sometimes too, and it went away. I never felt like myself when I went through that. Where did I go? The weird, socially awkward, laughing girl. It was so pathetic.
Then for awhile, I thought my misery and depression and explosive temper was brought on by my job. The old job with the less than sane boss and her less than charming and intelligent
But after awhile, it builds up. The stress and sheer irritation I felt at work every hour of every day. I held my tongue when she'd buy rock hard peaches and sour blueberries in January and had the nerve to sell the pies for $30 ("Stupid idiot moron"). If she wanted to spend her "trust fund" on it, so be it, so long as we get our paychecks on time. I was "supportive" but distant when she complained about her daddy and family issues. You just said the right things then kept your mouth shut. You told her what she wanted to hear, because God forbid you expressed anything but she wanted to hear, lest she ignores you for hours; which would have been fine if you weren't the only other one in the shop. Awkward.
Anyway. It just built and built. Wore me down. Made me tired in my bones and frustrated and bitterly sour. I just couldn't anymore. So I quit. I was jobless in a bad economy. Jobless but happy. Fresh.
Then I found a job and was(irritatingly) happy for awhile. I figured the new change would be good. But after awhile I become moody and frustrated again. But I could express my annoyance to my boss and co-workers; stating while I'd follow protocol however arbitrary or asinine. And it was okay. We were allowed to express ourselves to the right people. Telling someone in your job how ridiculous you found some things in your job was refreshing.
But it wasn't them, it wasn't Matt, it wasn't trying to plan a wedding on a miniscule budget or my own self-image issues that were making me moody, irritable and repellent. It was something out of my conscience control.
And I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't go into another year with anger, bitterness and being mad all the time over a life that ultimately should be good and happy.
So I went to my doctor that I haven't seen since 2007 and after talking to him got a prescription for paroxetine (Generic from of paxil) and went on half the normal dosage. Just a little something to edge me out.
Being on a prescription was nothing new. I'd spent most if not my entire childhood on some form of Ritalin or some other form of A.D.D medication with varying degrees of success. I stopped taking the stuff in high school briefly, my first act of mild teenage rebellion but went back on it and stayed on it through high school and college when I took real courses rather than the bakeshop classes. So this was just another thing.
The first week on it was like a surge of sugar or caffeine in the bloodstream. The introduction of a new chemical in my system brought an immediate change. I slept better, I laughed and smiled more easily then I had in months and months. The side effects were mild and manageable. It was ridiculous. Ridiculous and laughable that something so simple could make me feel so much better.
It's been like a switch in my brain. The angry Jenn switch was turned off and the "Normal For Jenn but still weird" switch was turned back on. I felt more like myself than I had since the winter I spent jobless. Issues like budgets, bills and self image are still there and mildly stressful, but there's light at the end of the tunnel that used to be gloomy. I feel things will work out if we work at it.
I laugh at the me I was over the last part of the year. Utterly downtrodden with a bitter taste in my mouth. Who was that girl? Not me. Now that it's in my system I still feel pangs of annoyance, but the things that used to set me off and derail the entire day don't irk me like they used to. I might have a flash of irritation boarder-lining on angry, but it goes away. I feel like an emotionally normal person. No more extremes. It's a wonderful way to go into the new year.
The side effects of infrequent mild nausea, mild loss of appetite and occasional feelings of tired (or more recently mild sleeplessness) and whatever else may crop up are worth it for how well I feel.
Life doesn't have to be so difficult. It doesn't. I should have started this years ago. Who knows where I'd be in life and how many months and years I lost on settling for bleakness. Life shouldn't be that hard. While my life isn't perfect; our wedding budget is still tight and managing bills is difficult at times. I know things will be fine. I'm calm and I'm better. I see all the happy in my life.
I know there are different schools of passionate thought about prescription drugs. But if someone is struggling with depression, extreme moodiness or focusing and no other method is helping, I'm a strong advocate for properly supervised and above all legally prescribed medication. Some people, myself included, just need a little help feeling like an emotionally normal person. There isn't anything wrong with asking and accepting a little help sometimes.