I'm lucky to have discovered who I am at a relatively young age. When I was being tortured and ridiculed, things thrown at me, hair pulled, and other things probably blocked out during my horrible middle school years, I had one sliver of hope. One little shred. Knowing I was me. Knowing that this is me. I was so stressed out in middle school over the torture, I was on sleeping pills and had high blood pressure so bad my vision would sometimes blur.
But I kept plowing on, while the emotional scars run deep, I still can't help but be myself, and be okay with it.
I have NF. It makes me so weird and awkward and talk fast and have this personality of oddness that wants to express, no matter how weird someone thinks I am.
"But I am this person." But I am. But I am me. I tried to be a little different, but that didn't last more than an afterthought. I can't be different. I can try and slow down when I talk, and control my mood and temper, but I can't fix this. I can't fix the girl who wants to sing her sentences, or dance in place, eat Kettle Backyard Barbecue Chips with a drizzle of honey.
I learned by the end of middle school, if someone can't like the crazy, they can't like me. And I stuck with that. Shunning drugs, alcohol, boys, even staying up late. Because it wasn't me. And I didn't want to do that stuff, nor did I want to just to become popular. Seriously, can you see how stupid that reads?
.......It was a very lonely three years, where the only thing that matters is belonging. Acceptance. Cool. I would try and conform; virtual pets on key chains, Gel roller pens, cans of soda with lunch. Honestly? It didn't help. The damage was done. I was hyperactive and strange.
This post comes from watching "Phoebe in Wonderland." about a girl with OCD and Tourettes. It's such a good movie. The quote at the beginning of this post is from the movie, spoken by Phoebe's teacher for Alice in Wonderland. And I love it.
Because that's how it's been my entire life. I am this person. I was me when I was 6, and head butting people to say "Hello!", I was me in my bucket hat and purple sunglasses phase. I was me when I finally found a friend who was herself also, and we were two wonderfully bunches of laughter and acceptance. I'm still me, at 24. Only now I'm more of a weird, hyperactive adult, who now only occasionally head butts (As a joke. I admit it), with a
I'm not sure if NF has made me so strange, but it has given me the excuse to say "But I am this person." Like it or not.