I picked up a book today, "Look Me In the Eye" by John Elder Robison, and it's gotten me thinking.
The book is a memoir about Asperger's. I began to read the first few pages, before hopping on his blog to talk to him (Which to me, talking to a well known/well read blogger is just as good as talking to a celebrity. No, it's better). I just wanted to talk to him, and the people who read his blog. Because I felt like getting something off my mind.
So here is a section of my post, used without permission, though I'm sure it is still somewhat my property?:
"...I don't know if I have Aspergers. Sometimes I feel like I do, but I don't fit the general tendencies, but sometimes I wonder.
I have NF1, and I suppose that's what has lead to such social....ineptness. But it's funny. I feel like I don't have enough NF to fit in with the NF crowed, or Aspergers-y enough to fit in with that crowed (is that offensive? If it is I am sorry) So where am I? "
I feel like this all the time. I don't fit. I don't fit in anywhere. My NF is so mild (But thankfully so), that I don't fit in their world of surgeries. I'm not society's definition of Normal. Nor did I appear to have the symptoms of Asperger's growing up, as far as I know.
So what? Where am I?
I had this conversation with Matt. We were at a red light, and I was thinking about the book.
"Do you think I have Asperger's?"
"No...I don't think so."
I said the above that I don't fit. And where did I fit? "I'm Jenni." I said.
"Be your own trailblazer" He challenged.
"And what? I'm the only one of me that I know of."
I feel like I'm in Limbo. I'm so weird and deeply awkward and strange, but no label. I kind of want the label. Just so I know what I have so I can deal with it properly.
I sometimes think I'm emotionally scarred. Extern comes to mind when I think of that. Three socially bad situations presented themselves to me over those months, in quick succession
1) Extern BLEW. I mean, come back from work at 1pm and cry till whenever I fell asleep after 8 pm sort of blow. Where I either had no appetite or ate way too much. Tortured. I picked up my sailor's mouth from there. Sometimes I still randomly yell expletives like "****ing people!" or "****ing bakery!" Like my co-workers once did. A favorite motto there was "Work. Die." I swear way too much because of that place.
2) I had a sort of boyfriend, and it didn't end great for reasons too weird and complicated to discuss here. But it's probably not what you think. It was devastating.
3) A friend, or, a girl I thought was a friend, stabbed me unexplainably and for reasons I do not remember or understand. Or ever will understand She would prank call me at all hours, leaving cruel messages and e-mail me terrible things. For weeks.
I can't actually believe I'm opening up to a bunch of people I don't know like this. See how easy it is on a blog? I can't even look my boyfriend in the eye when I tell him this. I can't really look anyone in the eye. Except him.
But for me, I think it's different than with people with Asperger's. For me it's a mix of shame and wondering what they think of me: "Do they think I'm ugly? Do they think I look funny?...... I'm talking too fast, STOP TALKING SO FAST!!!!!!!!! Do they think you're stupid. God, what you just said was stupid. Are they looking at how ugly you are?"
I don't know what's gonna happen when I post this. But I'm going to post it, because I feel like if I don't get out of my head, I will go out of my mind.