Welcome to my other blog. I started this one shortly after graduating from the C.I.A, to differentiate between my food and my other thoughts. It's a cozy little place with frequent weird but real, honest thoughts.

There's really not much more to say here, as anything mildly interesting is either down below or written in my Armadillo section above.
Hope you can relate to some of my thoughts and situations, even if they tend to be strange sometimes

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Look Me In The Eye

I picked up a book today, "Look Me In the Eye" by John Elder Robison, and it's gotten me thinking.

The book is a memoir about Asperger's. I began to read the first few pages, before hopping on his blog to talk to him
(Which to me, talking to a well known/well read blogger is just as good as talking to a celebrity. No, it's better). I just wanted to talk to him, and the people who read his blog. Because I felt like getting something off my mind.

So here is a section of my post, used without permission, though I'm sure it is still somewhat my property?:
"...I don't know if I have Aspergers. Sometimes I feel like I do, but I don't fit the general tendencies, but sometimes I wonder.
I have NF1, and I suppose that's what has lead to such social....ineptness. But it's funny. I feel like I don't have enough NF to fit in with the NF crowed, or Aspergers-y enough to fit in with that crowed (is that offensive? If it is I am sorry) So where am I? "

I feel like this all the time. I don't fit. I don't fit in anywhere. My NF is so mild (But thankfully so), that I don't fit in their world of surgeries. I'm not society's definition of Normal. Nor did I appear to have the symptoms of Asperger's growing up, as far as I know.

So what? Where am I?

I had this conversation with Matt. We were at a red light, and I was thinking about the book.

"Do you think I have Asperger's?"

"No...I don't think so."

I said the above that I don't fit. And where did I fit? "I'm Jenni." I said.

"Be your own trailblazer" He challenged.

"And what? I'm the only one of me that I know of."

I feel like I'm in Limbo. I'm so weird and deeply awkward and strange, but no label. I kind of want the label. Just so I know what I have so I can deal with it properly.


I sometimes think I'm emotionally scarred. Extern comes to mind when I think of that. Three socially bad situations presented themselves to me over those months, in quick succession

1) Extern BLEW. I mean, come back from work at 1pm and cry till whenever I fell asleep after 8 pm sort of blow. Where I either had no appetite or ate way too much. Tortured. I picked up my sailor's mouth from there. Sometimes I still randomly yell expletives like "****ing people!" or "****ing bakery!" Like my co-workers once did. A favorite motto there was "Work. Die." I swear way too much because of that place.

2) I had a sort of boyfriend, and it didn't end great for reasons too weird and complicated to discuss here. But it's probably not what you think. It was devastating.

3) A friend, or, a girl I thought was a friend, stabbed me unexplainably and for reasons I do not remember or understand. Or ever will understand She would prank call me at all hours, leaving cruel messages and e-mail me terrible things. For weeks.

I can't actually believe I'm opening up to a bunch of people I don't know like this. See how easy it is on a blog? I can't even look my boyfriend in the eye when I tell him this. I can't really look anyone in the eye. Except him.

But for me, I think it's different than with people with Asperger's. For me it's a mix of shame and wondering what they think of me: "Do they think I'm ugly? Do they think I look funny?...... I'm talking too fast, STOP TALKING SO FAST!!!!!!!!! Do they think you're stupid. God, what you just said was stupid. Are they looking at how ugly you are?"

I don't know what's gonna happen when I post this. But I'm going to post it, because I feel like if I don't get out of my head, I will go out of my mind.

4 comments:

  1. Asperger's is part of a broad range of neurological differences. People with those brains are collectively referred to as on the autism spectrum.

    It was my impression that NF1 was a genetic condition that produced tumors. I was not aware it had behavioral components too.

    In any case, there are probably millions of people who identify with one or more behaviors identified in my stoies without having any formal diagnosis, or feeling the need for one.

    You don't have to have Asperger's to share those feelings. Indeed, your blog suggest you share many now

    ReplyDelete
  2. It's a complicated disorder. It all depends how you're raised with it. I know people who are very popular and socially well adjusted, who can say all the right things and know how to interact like normal, but I also know a few people who have a really hard time with that kind of stuff. I know in my case, some of my social oddness is from the speech impairments NF can bring. It also causes in a lot of cases, ADD and ADHD, and various degrees of learning disabilities, which I have. But when it comes to the ADD/ADHD, I've gained more control over it as I got older. But I'm still moody and very aggressive sometimes.
    I'm not really sure how to describe NF in short terms. It's just something that screws with you in so many ways that you can never control. I really don't know whats going to become of me in a year, let alone 5. And it kind of screws with you. Not being in control of this, without treatments (but recently doctors are in the works of testing out treatments, but god knows when they will be aviable to everyone) or a cure or anything, kind of messes with you.

    It's still kinda weird talking about it. I feel like it was this big elephant in the room growing up. So I don't really know how to talk about it, or explain what it can do to you. And that makes me angry, too. But the good side to that is now I'm an adult, and can do what I want about it.

    But who knows, maybe I'm just the screwed up one. The exception that proves the rule, or something. =) Dunno if you're linked for follow up comments, but I felt silly posting this on your blog. But I really appreciate you even taking a second to even read my comment on your blog, let alone coming on here. Talking to an author of a real book is just so cool!

    (sorry for talking so much!)

    http://www.nfinc.org/nf1.shtml - I like this NF site in particular.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hi, I found your blog while reading John Elders comments and just wanted to share something with you .

    I am a 45 year old female who has been Dxed with aspergers, only a few years ago . Even after the DX I questioned if they were right...perhaps it is all some scam to get more patients who specialize in Apergers? ..(yeah, a bit paranoid about professionals motives) .

    Anyway, I don't know if you are some where on the AS "spectrum" but I do understand a desire to understand why you don't seem to fit any where (and the compulsion to create run on sentences...(I think that is my ADD but might be AS :)

    Point is....My personal belief about AS and Dxing is that there are many females who exhibit different traits then males with AS and tend to be over looked because they don't fit the old model...(when research was only done on males) . I think there are some "experts" who are researching this now...(google females and Aspergers for some interesting reading.)

    If your interested,feel free to contact me

    http://eyesoftime.blogspot.com/

    I would be glad to bore you to tears with some of my theories on female aspergers .

    ReplyDelete
  4. hiya. i understand some. no one every understands anyone completely. my name is sherry. i'm 57 i have nf1. i'm still here tho this disease has been trying to kick my ass for all of those 57 years and i only found out that i had it at age 46.
    now, all the pieces of my medical puzzle fit.
    we know now that my mother and my gram and 2 of my uncles had it and probably my gram's brother.
    my gram lived to be 93, my mom is 90, my 1 uncle, 80.

    you never know. i had a huge brain tumor at 2 1/2. wasn't supposed to live out the week.

    i'm here. i have some effects from it but i'm ok. clumsy, but ok.

    you learn how to deal. i know you know that as you deal every day.

    i can offer 1 bit of advice that really helped me and helped me to keep on keep'n on.

    depression is common for people with nf. it's a chemical inbalance and believe me, i've had my share of different ones.

    but please. see if you have it.
    you will be amazed at the difference if the docs can find the right med. doesn't make you high or spacy. doesn't make you a "little mary sunshine" it just helps to make you feel that you, "can"

    don't know if i've explained myself well. i tried.

    take care, be well.

    ReplyDelete

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