I sometimes wonder what it must be like to have things come easy.
There are few things in life that have come easy for me.
Relationships are not one of them. Forming bonds and attachments are easy. I can get a good read on someone fairly quickly and my instincts about them are almost always right. I like people almost instantly; customers, people I've just met, even waitstaff and cashiers. But after that, after the initial meeting, it gets hard.
With the Internet, I have a lot of people to talk to. People I've connected with from shared interests, shared disorders and similar experiences. But this stuff is easy; a dropped line here and there, brief conversations.
The real stuff kind of scares me. Going out with people means social interaction. Nothing to hide behind. Conversations in real time, not typing with minutes of silence being natural. I don't know how to handle myself in these situations. I'm weird. I'm painfully awkward and I'm not the person I'd like to be.
So I've always pushed the idea of friends away.'Friends? Me? I don't need friends. I barely need anyone at all. I'm fine on my own.' I've thought this to myself for so long over the course of my life I've grown to believe it. Even in college I'd quietly sit in classes, before they would start and observe classmates talk, laugh and make plans. I'd be so jealous. I'd act like I barely even noticed, while writing posts in my notebook with my iPod in my ear. Any scraps of conversation or even a greeting thrown my way was important to me, even though I didn't need anyone.
They thought I was weird anyway, so why bother initiating conversation if they just give you ''that look''? The look that they think you are stupid/crazy/weird and ridiculous for bothering to think they'd give you the time of day. I'm surprised that in college, not only do people still give you that look, but you're still hurt by it. One of those looks destroys a thousand friendly greetings.
Now I'm 23 and without any good social skills to speak of. NF has made social things difficult. Due to my own insecure problems and the idea that I've never quite belonged in the normal world.
To me, friends don't mean fun, laughter, and bonds. Friends means committing to time, being out later than you'd like, feeling pressured to do things you don't like to do, movies you don't feel like seeing, and time spent doing stuff that can be better spent doing things yourself.
This is terrible of me to even admit out loud. Way to get friends, Jenn. Tell them you don't need them, that'll work. Having friends means letting people in. My instincts are to keep them out.
It's a wonder how I have a boyfriend. I met him by chance at an Anti-Valentine's day thing that my classmate (and his R.A) was having. I'm lucky to have found someone that puts up with this. But he's not the going out kind of person, so, somehow we work.
I don't know what I want. I'm terrified of social interaction. Nearly every 'friend' I've ever had has left me, turned on me in cruel ways, or just disappeared (only to return and never speaking to me again). Mostly it's been turning in cruel ways. So I don't let myself get set up. I'd rather be friendless by choice, because then who the hell can turn on you? No one. No one can turn on you if there's no one there to begin with.
It sucks, but it's true. I have a boyfriend who's my best friend, and it's taken me a while to trust that something like that wont happen. But still, I wonder.
By now you can probably tell I have some serious social issues. But it comes with the territory. And it's all my fault, anyway. Maybe if I wasn't so weird growing up, so different, I'd have friends and be popular. But then again, I learned early on in life, if they don't like you when you're yourself, then why bother?