Welcome to my other blog. I started this one shortly after graduating from the C.I.A, to differentiate between my food and my other thoughts. It's a cozy little place with frequent weird but real, honest thoughts.

There's really not much more to say here, as anything mildly interesting is either down below or written in my Armadillo section above.
Hope you can relate to some of my thoughts and situations, even if they tend to be strange sometimes

Sunday, June 21, 2009

I am crazy.

I feel like I'm living a lie. I'm living this lie. I eat secrets. I don't tell the whole truth. I know better. I'm not allowed to express anger, frustration, any negativity. I don't know how to express it. It stays with me until it bubbles over in hostility and incoherent, furious rambling. Or emotion felt so deeply that I tear up, even if I'm not sad. I get so frustrated by my feelings, by what's going on around me, that I loose the ability to verbally express how I feel.
I don't know if the inability to express such feelings stem from my NF, or how I've grown up, or both.
This shouldn't be that hard. People get angry and are able to coherently and exactly say what's wrong, and how it can be fixed. Things aren't this hard for other people.

I hate Sunday. Sunday is my laziest day of the week. I sleep till 7 (or God forbid, 8), eat, watch Tv and generally do nothing. I'm actually kind of rested and I relax.

But that's when those thoughts creep in. That your life is passing you by, that you eat too much, are too lazy, don't work hard enough, that everything you do is wrong all the time. Where are you going in life? 'What happens next? Is this it for me?' 'Am I going to die young? I'm never going to travel'. 'My god, it's June and I don't think I can bear another bitter Winter in New England!' Sort of thoughts. Does everyone think like this? No.

Other people are happy. Other people know how to properly deal with their feelings.

I feel angry a lot of the time over various things; in my life, not in my life, in or out of my control. It doesn't matter.
"I have a right to my anger, and I don't want anybody telling me I shouldn't be, that it's not nice to be, and that something's wrong with me because I get angry."-Maxine Waters

I can't really help being angry some of the time. Is it normal to feel like this? I can't repress it. But no one understands. I've been trying to stave off depression for awhile now. Triggered by unusual or valid things, it brings me to feel like this, or with pangs of pain, or with irrational anger at the wrong people.
I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. Am I meant to be emotionally stunted my entire life? I'm going to have a freaking breakdown if this lasts much longer. I wish I had the balls to say "I'm angry with you." or "I think you're stupid." or "This is unacceptable and I will not put up with this any longer." or "SHUT UP!!!!" Man, that'd be great. A big dramatic blow up that no one will forget and no one will dare cross me again.
But would life be easier if I was a pushy bitch? Yes and no. I knew a few pushy bitches and they aren't something I'd like to have in my life. But having more of a backbone would be great.
I'm a jellyfish. Eager to please, not rock the boat and non-confrontational. But I repress how I feel, or don't shoot back with the truth that is known to both parties.

I do that all the time. And I'm sick of it. People must think I'm so stupid. I hate myself for letting things go on like this. Well, I've had it.

I am not one to be screwed with any longer.
"It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not." Andre Gide


6 comments:

  1. I'm starting to think more and more that you're writing posts about what I'm thinking and/or feeling half the time.

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  2. Yes. I know. =p Then what am I going to write about next? Cheetos? lol. Soysage?

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  3. I'm going to bet it'll be about your car or...another embarrassing moment.

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  4. Why would I write about my car? I just did one. Are you mocking me? :p

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  5. Me? Mock you?
    I would never.
    <.<

    =p

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  6. "But that's when those thoughts creep in. That your life is passing you by, that you eat too much, are too lazy, don't work hard enough, that everything you do is wrong all the time. Where are you going in life? 'What happens next? Is this it for me?' 'Am I going to die young? I'm never going to travel'. 'My god, it's June and I don't think I can bear another bitter Winter in New England!' Sort of thoughts. Does everyone think like this?"

    YES - except it's Rochester winter for me. :-p

    I get those thoughts all the time, and so does almost everyone I know. Usually afterward I am motivated to get stuff done and change myself, to take control, and improve things.

    Something I've learned about life: most people aren't really happy, they are content, and there's a big difference.

    Don't let thoughts like that (lack of control, what am I doing... etc) get you angry, instead use them as motivators to change what you don't like with your life. If you want to travel start setting aside $50 a month in a travel fund and research a place you want to go. If you want to control your living situation try to find a cheap apartment and live on your own. Whatever it is that is making you unhappy try to pinpoint it and change it. It's hard, and easy to slide back to contentment, but if you can change it's so worth it.

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