Not sure what I feel like writing about right now. Just going to let things flow, and to hell with any kind of structure or anything being witty.
I'm not going to lie to you, I feel like drinking. I'm sitting here, on a Friday night, with the "Complete Symphonic Recording" of Les Mis playing. So I feel depressed and a need to drink a wee bit buzzed.
So I've decided to crack open a Harp, and just let things flow for a bit. What do you care? You don't read this, anyway.
..........I'm not sure what you're waiting for. Right now I feel the need to be in a musical. "I am a-GOG, I am a-GAST, has Marius seen love at last? I've never heard him ooh and ahh! You talk of battles to be won, and here he comes like Don ju-an, it's better than an o-pe-ra!"
Les Miserables is a seriously amazing show. You really must see it. The music is INCREDIBLE. ""Do you hear the people sing? Singing the song of angry men, it is the music of the people who will not be slaves again. When the beating of your heart echoes the beating of the drums, there is a life about to start when tomarrow comes."
But right now, I feel deeply lonley. I miss Matthew, who may as well be on the other side of the country for what good it does me.
"The city goes to bed, and I can live inside my head." I think I live in my head too much. It's a defense mechinasm. I have a lot of those. Growing up, especially, especially in Middle school, I had an incredibly rough time (but readers of my blog would know that already) So I retreated to the one safe place I felt that I had: my mind. I lived in a world that was different from the one I had. I was happier in my mind than I was anywhere else.
I've never actually admitted this to anyone, not seriously at least. I once teased Matt, I said "in the world my head, you don't even exist!"
This makes me feel crazy. But I just finished my beer, and I'm feeling a little ballsy. But I lived in my head. Alot. I had this other world, where I had friends, I was accepted and understood. I lived the life I always wish I did. I guess I was just lonely growing up. Even though I rarely let them see that. I read a lot of books, so it just kind of took off from there.
So this song, "On My Own" from Les Mis, is especially fitting. "All my life, I've only been pretending". I lived in a world of make believe. I built up a wall, I remember sitting in math class, pretending I didn't hear the scrawny little immigrant kid insult me in probably the only words in English he knew, as I drew doodles and doodles in my notebook, pretending I wasn't as lonely, or hurt, or outcasted as I really felt. I acted invisible. I was invisible to everyone else. I was only visible when they needed to attack someone.
I really hope that kid is deported by now.... Sorry, that was mean. (But probably true).
"The world is full of happiness that I have never known." Well, that last line isn't actually true for me anymore. I'm with someone who genuinely makes me feel happy, and right now he isn't here, so this song makes me feel sadder and lonely than I probably should feel right now.
Anyway, sooner or later I realized things would be different. Someday I'd have someone who'd like me for who I was, so why bother being someone I wasn't?
And they are. So I'm trying really hard to shed that part of my past and just be happy. But as you can see, this stuff runs deep. And it haunts my posts and my mind, making me feel weird and different and paranoid. Like I'm being judged and laughed at. Old habits die hard, but I was hoping I'd have shed them by now.