I feel pathetic. It's Saturday night. I'm home alone, talking to you. I'm 23.
I'm not one to go out and drink till I can't stand or do stupid immature things, but a little socialness is nice. I'm supposed to go up to see the boyfriend tomorrow, which will be nice, considering I'm hitting the ground running at 4:30 Tuesday morning, straight on through Thanksgiving and into January......Which I can't bear to think about or I feel like there's doom looming over me. My heart feels heavy when I think about the stress level upcoming, which is coming up weeks sooner than I thought, and the only way to cope with it is to avoid it, not think about it and eat bags of candy and Mcdonald's double cheeseburgers.
On the bright side, I'm working no more than eight hours a day now. It's weird. I clock in at 5, clock out around1, and I'm home. Amazing. I like it. I like working eight hours. Not that I mind working overtime and working hard, but it's a pleasant change to not be exhausted when I go home, or actually run errands. Or be dead on my feet.
Can you believe the last two weeks I worked about 116 total hours? Now my hours are a normal workweek. I don't spend much money outside fuel and groceries, and the occasional purchase of a dvd, book or shirt. Oh crap. And loan payments. I forgot about that. Well, no worries. And looking for a car....and various insurances and.....I'm too young for this....but not really. I'm actually running late with all this stuff. But I can't think about that right now or I'm going to go mad.
I feel pathetic. Oi vey. Is this what adulthood is, really? It kind of sucks. Are we really meant to work this hard only to have 90% of a paycheck go into bills and life-sustaining things? Where's the fun? We get a free ride our whole life till college, and all of the sudden we're slammed with a mountain of responsibility.
Life can't be like this. I refuse. The whole point of working so hard is so you have the means to go and have the fun you need to have in your life. So you can enjoy it more. Not work, work, work to get bills paid. After bills are paid you use what you have to enjoy your life.
I mean, I'm a very frugal person, and I keep forgetting the whole point of putting money in your checking account is to spend it sometimes. I feel weird spending money on groceries, clothes and fuel. I think I got my grandmother's (and grandfather's) extreme frugalness. I'll spend money on anyone other than myself, though. I'm not cheap with other people, but I like to be cheap with myself so I can not be cheap with others.
But I need to remember to have a little fun sometimes. Take my own advice and enjoy myself. That I work at a good job and it's perfectly okay and sane to do something fun for myself and not be so uptight with money.
...Where is this going? See, this is why I should stick to baking and not to writing. Maybe I am more pathetic than I thought. =)