Welcome to my other blog. I started this one shortly after graduating from the C.I.A, to differentiate between my food and my other thoughts. It's a cozy little place with frequent weird but real, honest thoughts.

There's really not much more to say here, as anything mildly interesting is either down below or written in my Armadillo section above.
Hope you can relate to some of my thoughts and situations, even if they tend to be strange sometimes

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Cars, Gas prices, Guilt and The House of Repression

I don't think I ask for much. At home, I go for long walks, read most of the day, keep my room more or less picked up and I clean. I clean the kitchen every day. I'd like to cook more, but I haven't done that for a bit and hopefully will be doing more of it soon. I pretty much keep to my self, out of trouble and do everything I can to help. I think that's better than most people in their 20's living at home and out of college (except I hope I'll have a job soon, and that'll help as well)

So I feel like I do everything and ask for nothing. Does anyone have any idea why that is? Because I do everything and ask for nothing. I don't use the car much. Guilt of taking the car from my mom, who actually needs it, as well as horrible gas prices, keeps me from getting stuff done; grocery shopping, errands, returning books to the library. Sometimes people use the car who really don't need to do it. Make your own coffee. My mother shouldn't have to not have a car because someone wants to buy overpriced, crappy coffee. But you didn't hear that from me. I need the car maybe once a week and when I plan on cooking, but I'm going to try and plan meals out better and bike for stuff I need. So let my mother have the car. I don't need it and I'd rather have the person who needs it the most and who actually owns it use it. As for gas prices, when I go out I try to at least put back a few gallons, which makes me feel less like a sponge.

I feel so guilty for using the car. I feel like I shouldn't be using it. Ever. And I can't ever say that, to anyone, or anything else that may be viewed as negative or what I like to call "telling it like it is", which tends to get me into trouble (Oh well!). I can't express my feelings or my self in this house because it's always met with teasing, fights or "I AM NOT REFEREEING!!!" It's not fair. Sometimes I think I'm going crazy here....I repress all my feelings because god forbid I express any anger. God forbid I DEFEND myself or "talk back" And people wonder why I have such a hard time expressing how I feel.....

This is going to be an honest blog....lucky for me no one really reads what I write. But what else can I do? I can't express myself anywhere else. No one listens, and I have so much trouble verbalizing because I'm alway shot down. So I'm driven to come here, in my head, in my fingertips to say everything I've always thought but never said out loud.

So, sorry if it sounds angry, or aggressive or harsh, but if people just let me express my feelings like a normal person without being told I "go over the line" or "I'm not refereeing", maybe it wouldn't sound so harsh and aggressive if you gave me a chance when my thoughts were "normal" and "reasonable".

But this is what I think, this is how I feel, and I shouldn't have to apologize for feeling the way I feel after I've been silenced for too long.

I assume no responsibility for any emotional anger expressed here. If I was "allowed" to be expressive and "defend" myself, maybe I wouldn't be so emotionally screwed up. Just maybe.

PS. Just to let everyone know, my family really isn't all that bad...I just get frustrated sometimes. It's aggravating to know you can't really express how I feel sometimes, and it has to get to that point where things just blurt out...only to get slammed after. It's not fair. I feel like I'm the only one who this is being done to and it's just awful to feel like no one is listening or cares about how things really are around here, or to express how you feel about something going on. It is fixable....if everyone stopped being so quick to anger and so close-minded and exasperated when I open my mouth...... I just can't suppress how I feel. It's so unhealthy and it makes me absolutely miserable.


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